Movie Endings

One thing that I’ve been mulling over for the past week has been film endings. Why are certain movie endings more popular than others? Sure, everybody likes a happy ending. But what about ambiguous endings? Twist endings? Endings so intricate, they take the viewer right back to the beginning?

Yet, the media emphasizes happy endings. People swoon over perfect love films and cheer when the hero defeats the villain. In other words, the audience loves when everyone gets exactly what they want. Except for me.

Why don't you like happy endings? I'm a just jackass like that.

I guess I’m the minority. I like unpredictable endings. I like to be shocked. I want the director to dangle me from a rope throughout the movie, only to let go once it’s over. These endings tend to be morbid, I know. But they are better than happy endings, and I want to tell you why.

1.      Characters tend to have more complexity. Take for example Twilight. Bella meets Edward and falls in love. The end. Nothing else happens in the movie that changes the main idea, so the two skip off sparkling into the sunset. But what if Bella had dumped Edward because of some self-inner turmoil? You’d be interested, right? “Why the hell did she do that?” you might ask, “does she still have feelings for him?” A flat character just became complex.   

2.      It’s not a re-run. Whenever my mom asks me to watch some romantic comedy with her, I cringe. Not at the thought of my mom – I love her dearly, but because I can only sit through so many recycled plots before I stick out my eyes with thumbtacks. It’s always boy meets girl. Boy and girl cannot be together (petty argument, money, one isn’t human). Issue is forgotten. Boy and girl cascade into a perfect life with no other problems. Try watching Cinderella on repeat for several hours, and you’ll see the similarities. 

3.     It’s hilarious. Non-happy endings are like fake haunted houses. You know what’s coming next, but you’re still startled. Surprise is fun. It’s entertaining to guess how the ending will play out. What isn’t exciting is watching a character’s life come together, seeing their perfect happiness, and then going back into an imperfect reality.       

Overall, I’ve had it will Hollywood’s movie formula. Seeing the peasant girl become a princess after winning over the prince was cute the first time. Now, I want her to take out an axe, chop him to smithereens, and ride into the sunset alone. Why? Because she’s complex that way.   

Favorite Kind of Movie Ending?
	Kill them all
	Happy
	Not too happy, not too sad
	Twisted
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Twilight

Synopsis: A teenage girl – Bella, falls in love with a vampire – Edward.

I have dreaded this day. I knew this day was coming for a while now. Today somebody told me, with a straight face, to watch Twilight. “Everyone has seen it,” she said, “that’s what your blog’s about, right? Movies everyone has seen.” Reluctantly, I nodded and told her I’d watch the movie.

It’s not that I personally have anything against Twilight; I’ve never seen it. It’s just how people have taken Twi-hating to the next level. It honestly can’t be that bad, can it?

For this review, I will try to find only the good things about this movie. Only the good things. Why? Because I’ve heard every criticism there is about this movie – from the anti-feminism of Bella to the ugliness of Edward’s face.  This movie needs some optimism and hopefully it won’t be that hard to find.

Good Things about Twilight:

1.       It’s romantic – if you’re into that sort of thing. Who doesn’t love teenage love? The hormones, the declarations of love, the secretly watching you while you sleep. At first, it sounds creepy – but as the movie rolls on viewers just have to go with it.

2.       Parents rejoice! This movie features abstinence. Sure, Bella’s boyfriend watches her while she sleeps. Just be thankful it’s not another movie about him trying to sleep with her.

3.       Werewolves and vampires are cool. This movie is like a child-appropriate version of Underworld. Next time I’m babysitting and want to watch Kate Beckinsale’s fully-leathered body mow down beasts with machine guns, I’ll pop this in instead. The parents will thank me.

4.        Characters don’t talk a lot. This is an easy paced movie. If you miss three minutes of it while making more popcorn – don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything. Probably just Bella and Edward staring at each other.

Whew, there it is. A positive list about Twilight. What do you think is the most redeeming quality of Twilight?

Forest Gump

Synopsis: From childhood to having a child of his own, Forrest Gump documents the fictional life of a character of the same name.

Forrest Gump, as a movie, had me out of control with laughter and tears. It broke my heart and pieced it together, only to break it all over again. Even though the director didn’t mimic some elements of the book it’s based off of, the movie was touching. It balanced comedy with drama perfectly. Plus, it made cliché life lessons interesting.

Preach it, Momma Gump

The scene that hit my tear ducts the hardest was when Jenny was lying in bed, sick from AIDS. She was asking Forrest about his life and said she wished she had been there, which Forrest said she already was. “Jenny’s going to die,” I whispered to my boyfriend, “if she dies fuck it. I can’t do this anymore.” Boom, next scene is Forrest talking to her gravestone. It was such an emotional performance from Tom Hanks that I was dry heaving into the pillow next to me. Dry heaving – as if I had one too many croissants at dinner. Below is a clip from that scene. Hopefully, I won’t have to sob over this alone.

To move on from the depressing, let’s talk about funny. Forrest getting shot in the ass. Forrest discovering the Watergate Scandal. “Run, Forrest, run.” This movie is the richest mine for comic gold. I could describe my favorite scene to you, but it’s a lot funnier to watch it yourself. Take a look:

Overall, Forrest Gump was magical. When it was over, I literally had to sit on the couch for seven minutes just to transport back to reality. Oftentimes, books make me feel this way – so it was encouraging to have the same “lost in the moment” experience on screen. This film has me thinking, maybe movies are like books after all. 

Forrest Gump Trailer

It’s trailer time again! I’m so excited to post about today’s trailer – I’ve heard great reviews for this movie. Here’s the trailer:

After watching the Forest Gump trailer, I have mixed feelings of whether I will like the movie or not. Typically, I avoid movies like Radio and this trailer looks similar to that movie. Radio was not a bad movie – it was wonderful, I just don’t like to watch movies that are “downers.” Life is already depressing; I don’t want to be even more depressed when the credits start rolling. The snippets of deep conversation played over dramatic music leads me to think I’m going to cry.

However, I could be completely wrong. When your lead actor is Tom Hanks, it’s hard for me to picture a serious movie. The scene where Forest meets the president and tells him “I gotta pee” made me chuckle. So did the Ping-Pong scene. Everyone always loves an intense Ping-Pong tournament – and I’m no exception.

Is it possible to have a comedic drama? I’m not sure, but it seems that the directors of Forest Gump sure did try. Which is why I am going to give this movie a chance. The trailer’s scenes look beautifully scripted and beautifully shot – I’d hate to miss out on a good movie just because I’m afraid of some tears.  

Now, it's your turn. For those who've seen Forrest Gump, should I watch it? Will those that haven't seen it yet consider seeing it? Tell me below!

Update

Happy One Week Birthday, Movie Smoothie! It’s hard to believe that I’ve been posting to this blog for a week. I can’t say faithfully posting every day has been easy. In fact – it’s been really hard, but well worth all of the effort.

For those of you who have been following from the beginning, here’s my list of the top movies that I’ve watched so far. The order isn’t based on anything other than my pure enjoyment of the films. I’m not judging based on actors, film techniques, or any other critique system professional critics use. Just my old-fashioned “that was a great movie” opinion.

1.     The Matrix

2.     V for Vendetta

3.     Wizard of Oz

4.     Titanic

5.     Star Wars

  

I feel almost guilty putting Star Wars last considering how great everyone claims it is, but it just couldn’t beat the Titanic. 

In other news, check out some other movie-related blogs. They’re manned by people more film-literate than I am, I promise. The links are below:

Horror Movie Marathon

Stanton's Horror TV Shows

The Trailer Park

Disclaimer: Unless otherwise noted, all pictures are my own screenshots from the movies – you can use them however the hell you want. All gifs are from Tumblr, but I can give you the URL to any of them if you can’t find it yourself or are too lazy to look. 

Best Movie Reviewed So Far?
	The Matrix
	Titanic
	V for Vendetta
	Star Wars
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Wizard of Oz

Synopsis: After a tornado sweeps farm girl – Dorothy, to a mysterious land, she must find her way back home.

Unsurprisingly, Hollywood is planning to remake The Wizard of Oz in 3D this year. Also unsurprising – I haven’t seen the original. Let’s fix that, shall we?

For those who are curious (or just want a refresher on what this movie is about), here’s the new trailer for the 3D version:

Now there’s a shocker. The new trailer looks exactly like the old one.

The Wizard of Oz was a strange movie for me to grasp. Part movie, part musical. For me, it seemed as if the characters couldn’t make up their minds whether to sing the plotline to tell it through dialogue. Many of the songs were useless, only to showcase information that the audience already knew. Take for example the “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” song. Extremely repetitive, or is it just me?

My favorite line of the whole movie goes to Glinda, the Good Witch. When Dorothy lands in Oz, she encounters this “bubbly” character. Bad joke, I know. But Glinda asks Dorothy if she’s “a good witch or a bad witch” and then follows Dorothy’s reply with “only bad witches are ugly.” I’m surprised Dorothy didn’t bitch slap the witch right there; Glinda basically implied that she can’t tell if Dorothy is good looking or not. Ouch. Check out the clip of the scene below:

By the middle of the movie, I was in love with the Wicked Witch. Her character created so much unnecessary chaos, which kept me interested in the movie. Showing up randomly to throw a fireball at the movie’s heroes? Golden. She could’ve easily took the slippers from Dorothy before she reached the Emerald City, but decided not to in the name of evil. Ladies and gents, that’s true dedication to one’s craft.

Overall, The Wizard of Oz was a great classic. I enjoyed the pointless song and dance numbers as well as what critics today would call “cheesy acting.”  

But I want to know what you think. How would you react to Glinda’s “bad witch” question?    

Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope

Synopsis: A civil war between the Rebel Alliance and the Galactic Empire is underway. The Rebel leader, Princess Leia, is captured by the Empire and it is up to Luke and friends rescue her.

Before we get started on the review I would like to take a second to point out the miracle of absurd movie-making. This is the picture on the Star Wars DVD cover. Please take note of the half-dressed and totally ripped representation of Luke – outlined in red.

Now take a peek at how Luke actually looks in the movie:

 Something is not adding up here. On the cover, I was promised a hot intergalactic princess: Check. A dazed-looking robot in the right corner: Check. A masked super villain: Check. And lastly, a ripped guy to fight him: No check. Who the hell is this twerp? Blasphemy, I say. Give me my money back, George Lucas!

But on with the review…

“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” ancient civilizations possess the power of space travel, but cannot store Death Star blueprints on anything other than a floppy disk. That’s what I took away from this movie. I ignored any positive message that Star Wars had to offer, and focused on how things could be different if they only stored the plans digitally. But that’s a movie made in the 70s for you.

Like my review of Titanic, my favorite scene in A New Hope was when Luke returned to find his home destroyed and his parents incinerated. In theory, the concept is terrible. No body wishes to see a character’s life be demolished in a movie. But I lost sympathy when I saw the two droids start to stack the charred bodies together as if they were playing a game of Jenga. That was hilariously disrespectful to Luke’s loss.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t take a screen grab portraying the shock I felt watching the droids move the charred bodies. But I did manage to find Star Wars action figures depicting Luke’s Aunt and Uncle’s bodies after they were incinerated – and I thought I was morbid. Here’s a picture of them, from Nerdlikeyou.com:

  

You can buy these babies on Ebay, and play Charred Human Jenga at home!

Your Favorite Thing About Star Wars?
	Charred Human Jenga!
	Princess Leia, the only girl in this universe
	Luke's totally ripped abs
	Floppy disks
pollcode.com free polls

Star Wars Trailer

It’s about that time. “What time is this?” you ask. Time for a trailer review. Here’s how this works: periodically, I’ll watch an old movie trailer and decide if I will watch it. If I do, then the following day’s review will be of the chosen trailer movie.

The movies up for judgment are suggested movies from my audience, so if you think I should watch a certain movie – speak up! Got it? Good. Let’s jump right into today’s suggested trailer.  

That’s right – Star Wars. One of the movies that my real-world friends recommend the most is the Star Wars Saga. So why not start from the first?

I love old special effects. Since Star Wars was first released in 1977, I’m sure the cutting edge technology of the past will make me laugh. It’s hard to not see old films as silly today, especially when we have TVs that can screen 3D in our own homes.

Around 0:30 of the trailer, the narrator says this movie is about “a boy and a girl and a universe.” Wow, what a way to sum up a story in the biggest cliché possible, Narrator Man. As the trailer continues, the claims get more and more grandiose. I feel like I’m being offered the world; from describing it as “an epic of heroes” to having “aliens from a 1,000 worlds,” Star Wars thought of it all. What do viewers want? Aliens, romance, and rebellion according to Star Wars.

Will I watch this movie? Probably, but only because I saw Harrison Ford shooting a laser gun, while wearing what looks like a cowboy suit. And because of the way the logo exploded at the end of the trailer.          

V for Vendetta

Synopsis: In a future English society, a masked vigilante – V, and working-class girl – Evey, ban together to challenge an oppressive government.

I’ll admit it. When I was told to watch this movie, I scoffed. “I’ve seen too many rip offs of the anonymous mask during the Occupy faze,” I said, “it looks stupid.” “You have to watch it, it’s worth your time,” my friend promised. And you know what? He was right.

Within the first five minutes, I thought I had this movie pegged. A seemingly helpless girl being harassed in an alley at nighttime? Yes, a hero is going to save her. To add to the “cheese factor,” the hero was a masked man who wouldn’t tell the girl he rescued his real name. This scene gave me Spiderman flashbacks in the worst way.

Doesn't this...

look like this?

After the cliche "man saves woman" scene, V asked Evey if she liked music and offered to show her “something she’s never seen before.” What a creepy way to hit on a girl, I thought. But then this happened:

 

Imagine this, but with more 1812 Overture

If there’s one thing I love more than unpredictable characters, it has to be over-the-top explosion shots. Luckily, V For Vendetta gave me both. If blowing up a government building to orchestra music isn’t the definition of extravagant, someone hand me a dictionary.

For most of the movie, the characters are lovable. V likes all things classy and cultured, and Evey seems to fall for his educated charms. Their relationship progresses ideally. We see V making Evey breakfast and Evey watching old movies with V on the couch. These romantic moments intertwine with scenes of V going on a murderous rampage – but somehow I’m okay with that.  

But, as any director will say, things have to take a turn for the worst. Evey is arrested by the government. She is tortured violently and is given crumbs to eat. She doesn’t have a bed, so she sleeps on the floor. After weeks of refusing to snitch on V, they threaten to kill her with a firing squad. She accepts.

With tears in my eyes, I watch as Evey walks down the hall to her death. Here’s where things should get better, I reason, V will save her at the last minute. Evey reaches a door – only to find it connected to V’s home. It was fake, I was tricked! V tortured Evey and shaved her head. Let these words soak in: he shaved her head.

Obviously, V doesn’t care how long it will take Evey to grow that hair back. To top it off, Evey cries for five minutes over finding out it was V that tormented her – not the government. Then, she abruptly forgives him. I wish it were that easy. If I were Evey, I could forgive the torture and sleeping on the concrete floor. But shaving my head would be unforgivable – no matter how many times V made me breakfast.

Choose Wisely, Evey: Your Hair or Breakfast?

In the end, I was a little sad that V died. I would've cried though, if he hadn’t shaved Evey’s head and tortured her. I love a crazy character, but there’s a line between crazy and clinically insane. Overall though, I enjoyed V for Vendetta simply because V was the epitome of “basket case.” 

Titanic

Synopsis: Poor peasant boy – Jack, and rich rebel daughter – Rose, fall in love on the Titanic during its maiden voyage to America. 

From the moment I heard this elderly woman talking about erotic moments in her life, I knew Titanic was going to be a chaotic mess. And you know what? I was right. 

Overall, this movie was a four hour marathon of rich people eating, crane shots showing the boat, and people waving goodbye. The main characters, Rose and Jack, were archetypes. They were so predictable. Even Rose considering jumping off the front of the boat didn’t surprise me. In fact, things would’ve gotten a hell of a lot more interesting if she did. Deep inside, I wanted her to.

 

Lol at Jack, casually watching Rose contemplate suicide

 When the boat hit the ice, though, I was hooked. The whole two hours I spent sitting on my couch watching nothing were well worth watching this clusterfuck unfold before me. People were falling into each other,  Rose wielded an axe, and Jack was handcuffed to a pipe. It was glorious. 

I laughed harder than I should have when a random guy jumps off the boat and hits the propeller. And when I say laughed hard – I lost all control. I was snorting from laughter and I couldn’t explain why exactly. Maybe because the scene looks so fake? Luckily, I’m not the only person who laughs at a CGI character’s misfortune. Jonischloni from Youtube called the propeller guy’s scene the “only good scene in this film.” His clip from the Titanic below:     

Bouncing off my twisted humor, I loved how the director made Jack’s body sink mysteriously into the artic depths, while everyone else around him floated. I get that everyone else has life vests on, but this moment seemed a little too melodramatic for my tastes. Watching him sink was like watching 12-year-olds lose their one true love on the playground, only to “fall in love” again next week. And for the record, I won't touch the "they could've both fit on the door" debate with the pipe Jack was handcuffed to.

Where Titanic is concerned, I enjoyed the movie. In an unconventional way. It was mildly entertaining until the ship started to sink, then it was marvelous. I felt like I visited both the circus and the gym - my abs are so sore from laughing. 

But I want to know what you thought. Did you like Titanic? Think it was hilarious, like I did? Let me know below!  

The Matrix

Synopsis: An average computer hacker, Thomas Anderson, becomes the “Chosen One,” known as Neo, after leaving a simulation of reality. However, he must face off against his adversary – Agent Smith, in order to lead a rebellion against the machines.

Overall, I applaud The Matrix for giving its viewers a strong, female character – a la Trinity. The Wachowski Brothers outdid themselves making Trinity as prominent as her male counterparts. However, she didn’t have to look like one while she was kicking ass and taking names. I’m all for short hair (I once had a pixie), but they took away every feminine quality about her. By the end of the movie, she was diminished to Neo’s sidekick. No bueno, Matrix, no bueno.

Neo takes time to admire himself in the mirror

Aside from Neo x Trinity action, I noticed some sexual tension between Morpheus and Neo. And it wasn’t just me. At least 54 other Tumblrs agreed. Look at the evidence – directly from the movie:

Intimately sitting together

Stolen glances between the two

Hand holding

They say any good movie always involves a good love triangle. I couldn’t agree more.

Hands down, the funniest scene was when Neo goes to meet the Oracle. God, the whole time I was guffawing in my seat. Enter Neo, who sees a monk-child arranging a row of fucked up spoons on the floor. After watching the kid manipulate another spoon, Neo decides it would be a great idea to take a spoon from this weirdo. This begins a conversation of legendary proportions:

        Kid: Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth.

        Neo: What truth?

        Kid: There is no spoon.

              Neo: There is no spoon…

Oh my god, what? Monk Kid, the spoon exists! Neo is clearly holding the spoon. I don’t know what the hell you are talking about. But if my dear readers want to figure this out and tell me, here’s the clip of the whole scene:

 

Watched it? Good. Now we can move on before this kid ruptures my spleen from laughing so hard.

My other moment of “what the eff” stemmed from the security guard scene, only because I can never believe this would ever happen. If you take away the ever-so-appropriate dressed Neo from this picture, what’s left?

Top-Notch Security at its finest

Exactly – three out of four security guards doing a whole lot of nothing. I don’t know about you, but whenever I go through metal detectors and the alarm sounds – every MF in the building races towards me. Even the janitor puts down his mop to check my bag for bombs.

Apparently in Matrix land though, one guard is enough to check this shady, sunglasses-wearing charlatan. I call bull, Wachowski Brothers – you need at least 12 guards prodding Neo to be a realistic representation of American security.

For as much smack as I'm giving The Matrix, it was a fantastic movie. I didn't mind giving up two hours of reading time to watch it, which is equivalent of an alcoholic giving up a bottle of wine. 

But I want to know what you thought. Did you like The Matrix? Hate it? Wish there was more of Agent Smith? Because I sure did. Let me know below!  

          

Confessions of a Film-o-phobe

I have a confession. Something that I've been hiding all of my life - I can't keep it a secret anymore. Are you ready to hear it? I loathe movies. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't just dislike them or hate them - no, I loathe them. 

In fact, I loathe the whole process of movie watching. Theaters creep me out. Occasionally, I may watch one of the five movies that I actually like at home – but only if I am smashingly drunk on wine. And frankly, I've never really liked popcorn. Not enough to eat it at home or to pay $27 for a pound of it in the cinema, either.

Since I was a child, I always felt like movies were a waste of time. Why watch movies when I can read books instead? After years of inner debate, I have an answer. Because I can't connect with my peers. I don’t get their jokes. I just stand and nod.   

After the 157^th time of hearing “Luke, I am your father” jokes, I just want to understand. I’ve never seen Star Wars. Or Titanic. Much less Robin Hood: Men in Tights. And I definitely do not get why this is funny:

However, my goal is to understand. This blog is dedicated to helping me watch as many movies that “everyone has seen” as possible, which I will then review here daily. My time to become film-literate is now, and I invite you along for the journey. You’ll laugh, and I’ll probably cry. I can guarantee you, though, that things will get a little saucy.   

Now that you know me, let me get to know you. Are you a film buff? A movie-loather like myself? A puppy kicker? Or you just want to suggest a movie I should watch? Post your comments below!